By: Dr. Elizabeth Conway-Williams

As a parent, there is a helpless, sinking-in-your-stomach feeling the first time you hear your child describe a peer being hurtful. "Mama bear" feelings may bubble up along with your own playground memories of feelings of humiliation and shame. However, before we act on these protective impulses, it's best to pause to better understand the situation so that we can help our child navigate the situation in a way that is helpful in the long run.

First, talk with your child about what has happened. Try not to rush to conclusions, and pause before taking action. Take time to ask open-ended ("What happened?") instead of "yes or no" questions and really listen to your child's experience. As your child talks, reflect back on not just the facts of what happened, but also your child's feelings. Once your child has described the event itself, you may ask questions to help them understand the "big picture" dynamics at play. Is the bullying child typically a friend? A stranger? Are most interactions like this? What does your child notice about how the other child acts, with peers and in school generally?

These conversations serve two important purposes.

• Listening first will help you as a caregiver have a clearer understanding of what happened and what is needed going forward.

• Second, and perhaps most importantly, it helps your child feel heard and supported. As parents, we cannot and should not protect our children from all uncomfortable or difficult situations. However, by letting them know that we are there for them, we empower our children to be able to navigate challenges as they arise.

In peer difficulties, it can help to consider if the other child's behavior was rude (impulsive, lacking manners, or without consideration of others' feelings), mean (hurtful on purpose, often out of anger, happening once or very occasionally), or bullying, which is intentional harm, with a power imbalance, that happens repeatedly.

Bullying can take multiple forms: verbal, physical, relational, or cyberbullying. In each case, the "bully" has more power over the "bullied" child, and the aggression happens repeatedly and on purpose. See here for further information on this distinction.

Children and teens are still learning how to get along with others, and all children will occasionally make social mistakes that hurt others' feelings. If what happened appears to be in the "rude" or "mean" category, empathize with your child about how it felt. Ask your child if they'd like to talk with you about how they might talk to their peer about the incident, or to think through how they'd like to respond if they're in a similar situation in the future. In these situations, particularly with an older child or teen, you may ask how they would like you to help. If a teen is just seeking support over a fight with a friend but her parents contact school administration against her will, this can shut off further communication down the road.

However, if you are concerned that your child is being bullied, adult intervention is needed. Reach out to your child's teacher (or the relevant present adult) to let them know your concerns and ask that they keep an eye on it and step in when appropriate.

Thank your child for talking to you about the situation, let them know they did the right thing, and ask if they have any worries about telling adults. Continued open communication with your child and teacher is important to ensure the behavior stops. Check in regularly to make sure the situation is improving.

For more guidance on how to coach children on responding to bullying, click here and here. 

Bullying, particularly when severe, long-lasting, or unaddressed, can have profound impacts on children's and teens' mental health and school functioning.

If you are concerned, schedule an appointment to speak to your pediatrician and/or a behavioral health provider for additional support.